a thank you note.

dear resistance –

its due time i looked you square in the eyes and said ‘thank you.’ i’ll admit, it hasn’t been easy to know you, to see you, to hear you. oftentimes, i do none of those things and instead plow willfully forward, determined to escape your grips, which i’ve been taught to deeply fear.

but its only now, after a year of trials and tribulations in which you begged, pleaded, and screamed to be seen, that i can see you are here for me. that you are here, not apart from me, but as A part of me. an extremely sophisticated and sensitive technology borne from those places deep within that i’ve been chipping away at uncovering this year. and you’ve proven, time and time again, to be just what i needed, exactly when i needed it.

like when i was considering sleeping with that guy who claimed to be single. you helped me sense something wasn’t quite right. and the “not quite right,” wasn’t that i was being uptight or rigid or frigid…i was being duped [HELLO mr not so single] ! or that one time alllll the times i was planning on taking action from a completely emotional place. you wouldn’t let me, and i’m so grateful. you’ve been there to show me when and where i need to speak my truth, however unpopular to others it may have been.

i cannot believe that all of this time i have feared you. i’ve treated you like some undesirable vestige of human-hood i was meant to discard when i got “perfect enough” [hah !]. how wrong i can see i’ve been. your lessons are not intended to be punishment. the self knowledge you afford is not about swallowing unsavory chunks of truth about myself. you are not guiding me to deeper self loathing. it has only been through creating space for you, listening to you, pausing to honor you, as opposed to obsessively acting in an attempt to out run you, that i have come to see that you are the key. you are the key to me – to knowing my true self, to separating out truth from fiction, to stepping in to my rightful space on this planet. you are the key to understanding that i have nothing to fear about myself. that i am worthy, i am competent, and i am just as capable of love as i am of fear. and it is only in that fear do i separate myself, do i hold myself apart from others, the world, and from you !

and so, humbly, i thank you. thank you for not abandoning me despite my attempts to eradicate you. i pledge to move forward with the intention to honor you, as best i can. i promise to keep you close, and respect your thoughtful guidance. i will no longer feverishly attempt to “act” you away, at your first pangs of hesitation. i will instead seek to get quiet with you, to understand you, and approach you with the curiosity and awe you are due.

thank you, thank you, thank you !

hey all you out there in the ethers – anyone have a piece of themselves long overdue for some recognition and gratitude ? perhaps a side of you that you’ve been taught to fear or hate or only see in one light ? if you’d like, write yourself a thank you in the comments below. i would love to read what you’ve got. let’s help each other honor those parts of ourselves we’ve been fighting or afraid of as we head in to the new year !

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